You need to be an Xposed member. If you are, you can go to the movies section and then click the Xposed tab to the right of the movies tab.

(Not that we'd want to encourage anyone to watch it or anything.)

No. But as a fellow film-maker, perhaps you are more open to certain things: I mean sights of sheer mind-blowing artistry, and cum-swapping Swedish twins.

Zvevi, you'll need sign language for a period of several days following viewing, During the viewing, we assume that you will not feel the urge to communicate.

We asked Carmen to put in this warning, because after testing the film on trial audiences, we noticed that nobody we showed it to was able to articulate themselves about it afterwards, such was the power of its genius.

We'd all beam at them, bright-eyed and shiny-faced in anticipation of their verdict, but no response would be forthcoming. So then we'd say "So? And? What did you think? Huh? Huh?". At this, they would all stare at the screen blankly for several minutes and then perhaps finally one of them might point helplessly at a passing zeppelin outside the window or walk to a cupboard, open the door and stare into it.

My bogie jewellery is for sale, due to all the interest, I will be willing to make custom jewellery (crustacean pendants, pearl chokers, map-of-Azerbaijan earrings) ---please scream the word "fnootzlefroth" out of the window 673 times for more info =)

Well, Arne, that depends. On the one hand, the TicKL movie teaser does show immoral scenes of inanimate objects being squirted with detergent-based hygiene products. On the other hand, though, why be a chicken. Bwak-buk-buk-buk. Bwaaak-buk-buk.

Silence! Stop munching on that popcorn. You're spoiling the tension.

Norah, please, restrain yourself. You are telling them the whole plot.

Dear Noiders, Dear Noidettes, Dear Nifkins – whatever they may be,

On behalf of the illustrious TicKL Magazine, it is our great honour to announce the premiere of a movie teaser promoting the upcoming premiere of a brand new cinematic masterpiece in the movie section. (Got that? No? Read it again. Go on then.)

This production has been hailed by critics as "obnubilated skellumnery", "so ithyphallic that I almost fustigated myself" and "as excitingly warped as licking batteries" (so basically, very excitingly warped indeed, and also a bit sickening, but it doesn't stop you wanting to do it again).

So tune in later this afternoon for the premiere of our TicKL movie teaser – and get ready to be vaguely flummoxed as you've never been vaguely flummoxed before!

We, the Pfislings, would just like to make an apology to you all. Ahem, here it comes:

Dearest Noiders and Noidettes,

We realise now that it was very wrong and naughty of us to misuse the newsfeed for our shameless, locutionarily pustulant and vespine attempts to promote a film which we subsequently claimed not to have made, only to suddenly produce one, one week later. The fact is, we forgot what our name stands for. For several weeks, we were labouring under the delusion that it stood for "Pretentious Fartists and Impertinent Self-publicisers". We can't remember which one of us first made the mistake, but there it is. Mistakes were made. We will be the first to admit this.

Anyway, last night, someone in the PFIS headquarters suddenly remembered that it stood for "Polanoid Front for Instant Satisfaction". You can imagine how utterly scombroid we all felt.

And so it is that, with our heads hanging off our necks on long, drooping stalks and our cheeks rubricating in shame, we beg you not to watch the new PFIS film, currently showing in the movie section. Please just ignore it. It is a lanuginose work produced by steatopygic scallywags.

Very very sorry.

PFIS Actionismus

Thank you. We will engage you for the sequel. Who would you like to play? Third ewok? Jabba the Forge? One of Darth Lia's evil henchmen?

Hey, how about this one: Obi-Wan Kiforgie?